DEATH OF MY PARENTS
From the day of that incident concerning my marriage, I had covered a span of 3 years approximately within which period I had restrained from visiting my parents of Orissa. Once again I had a message served on me from my house. I was asked to get back immediately to my house because the health of my father had started deteriorating for the worst.
Question of happiness was far too away. The call from my parents had really cast melancholia in my mind. I had forgotten all other problems and had wanted to surrender to the note of discrimination of my father.
Money in my hand was never a normal affair. What a brisk measure I had to set in! For a good deal of period I had tried my best to stand by the side of the ill-fated people of so many villages. News were circulated that I might start for Orissa, which means, a matter of being in sojourn in my own home front. With certain collections in my pocket, I finally left for my own house.
Life is but a series of misery. As a mass of gold is placed within the bed of fire in order to free it from other impurities, so, misery is the only test for making a life worthy for the Feet of the Lord. All through my life I am wedded to misery only. As the sole duty of the mother is to placate the sorrow by dint of her sweetest tinges, similarly my misery, in stage after stage, has led me to a path where adjustment in each issue could become the only criterion.
On reaching home I could notice that the life of my father was gradually getting strained off from his core. Weak in his constitution, with an overall pale shade on his countenance, he had the least scope to tell me, in details, all about his last desires. Nevertheless, I tendered my readiness to shoulder the tough responsibilities. I am happy that I had my fathers blessings although as a son I had always upset all his designs.
After my father died I was relieved from all the domestic barriers by the great Goddess Mother. She called me out, once again, from the four walls of the house, and posted me within a tumultuous stormy field where I had no control but to surrender to the effects patiently.
For more than a month I roamed as a beggar in the villages and towns of South India. Finally, one day, exhausted in mind and slim in body, I reached my hut at Ramanathpur village.
It was at this time for a certain period I had to came to Calcutta under pressure from those old well-wishers, who, of late, used to send me messages in the form of deep requests.
I was no longer a boy who used to be looked down upon as an object of pity by them. Miracles are always accidental. Waves of miracles have brought omens consisting of, either good, or evil, to the lives of human beings. Nobody knows when the change would occur and make a history behind a mans career.
The ups and downs in the society have marked with a series of stupendous distinctions. Where it has gone up for the better side, there it has established a grand set of ethics for all the days to come. And, when the downfall has been the rock-bottom, then, that path of tragedy has been forewarned as erroneous.
But, who follows these doctrines while cultivating the ambitions of life! Environment is created in a society for the sake of dignified standard of life. There, Ethics, as Truth, have been the guiding factors. Instead a spirit of group feelings has always played its role for the sake of finding pleasures and finally camouflaged the doctrines of ethics.
Hardly the career is built up than the ambitions and missions for a life are doomed. It is not that the group feelings is crushed; rather, the individuals are eliminated due to lack of consciousness.
As a life grows up, it is felt, that, this life is bestowed upon with wings to hop over. If a grasshopper is judged as a bird, because of its having thin pair of wings, then, will it actually ever be able to fly like a bird?
So, the upheavals come upon us so very often and the distortions thus caused always overpowers us in order to make us think miserable for the headway towards the next course.
Of course, there is one way to fight these malignant odds and other adversaries. Just as a normal body is not immuned from attacks of fevers and diseases even although we might have prophylactics to check all these ailments, similarly, there may be enough occasions when all our guiding phenomenons in the form of ethics, might be of no avail. As a disease gets in a normal body, so, a mans career may get cloudy at times. There are seasonal changes one after another which means, that, perpetuation of a scope is not the law of the Universe.
So, in that light it was seen, that, some of the well-wishers were having the reverse state in their business career. As it was trumpeted in their circle that, I was in possession of certain powers, they had urged me to do something for them.
What I had done for them was really a matter of surprise. Dharma or Truth was my basic cult with which I had wanted to adhere to. As and where I was sought of my presence I did my best to remain by their side. In course of time, on very many occasions, their shattered nerves could be infused with strength and belief for the next drive.
It was a fact that in my first life, in this city, these people used to tease me to their hearts content, as well as, had sympathised me for my abnormally poor state. During all my down-trodden state really they had not felt shy to put the premium of coppers as alms.
Seeing me, in their midst, in the Sanyasins order, they did not feel awkward to stretch them down at my feet. I was given the recognition of a top-ranking Tantrika (the order of a statehood towards the Superman type). Forthwith I was accepted by two* men as their Guru (Spiritual Master). Actually they had initiation from me, and as yet after a period of thirty years from that day I am their acclaimed Guru (preceptor) to their whole family.
However, all my consolation to them bore the effect for the even order in their career. In course of time all their bygone days attitude which used to be cursory, finally had changed, in a phased way, into a formidable reverence.
As destined, I had to remain in the Ganges Ghat for years together. On one side while I was having my training in the Secret World by the Goddess Mother all along during my dreams, then, in another fold I became fortunate as to meeting so many people of different grades on the bank of the Ganges who, in turn, gave me the scope to hear their discourses on matters concerning religion and its aspects. All the time during my intercourse with them whatsoever I would hear would become likewise jewels getting clustered on a single thread.
I had my wholehearted regards for those who were in the region of Bhakti (devotion). There I did not draw any line of contrast between a Sanyasin and a Grihi Bhakta (devotee either married or bachelor in the domestic fold).
Definitely I had my choice intensified as and when I came in touch of Sri Sri Tara Sadhu. Tara Sadhu was undoubtedly a great man in Sanyasins order. Although he had his wife, yet, he was never devoid of the virtue to be seen in a real Sanyasin. Both of them were wedded to Brahmaharyam (celibacy) and both had stuck to the same cult up to their last breath.
However, he had the greatest inclination towards me and vice versa. Life in them seemed to be full of divinity; so my attraction for them knew no bounds.
His disciples and scores of other Bhaktas (devotees) had their love stretched to me. It was a matter of surprise when one of the most favourite disciples of Tara Sadhu was duly advised that his wife1 would get initiation from me. Finally I had to become her Guru in due course.
However, I had my track of life stretched in many directions. Aimlessly I used to move here and there. Although it was a fact that I had dedicated my all to the Feet of the Lord, yet, I had to seek His command, every off and on, by means of a flower placed on the Salagram Sila* which my father gave me just before his death. I could know that all I would take up as his command if the same flower glides down straight. As to my own movement from one place to another I would not spare any pains to perform the process every time. So, my movement would be taken up for granted only when a flower painted with sandal paste, would fall flown from the head of the Salagram Sila in an easy way which had meant that the Grace of the Lord was there for my change of place for the time being.
Even in getting the exact significance behind the background of any hazardous and complex problems that I might face, I used to follow the serene task. Any good or bad omen could be surveyed by means of this particular process. May it not be misconstrued that as because I had adhered to this type of an experiment, so, I had ceased to act on my own intuition.
To place a flower on the Salagram Sila and to see the flower falling down from the head of the same can never mean any tangible outcome for any incident in the offing. As I had all my guidance through a most queer way, so, I could realise that this process will only enable me to ascertain the significance of any that is either good or bad.
Once a man has his installations of electricity established in his house, then, there must be the switches to utilise this electricity at will. By a switch we may operate a fan or a light or even an Electric Heater. It is the same electricity that is flowing through the cables; simply the device only helps us in getting the various systems in the working order. Similarly, it is the same essence of the Force which is acting within all according to the respective quality it has within. He who has attained the ingenuity to operate his heart by means of this celestial process shall always have the scope to focus his touch within the inmost core of, either any living, or non-living object.
It was just before the death of my father, I was advised by him, that, I must not forget to mutter the name of The Lord Rama, because this name of epic fame had enlightened our ancestors for years together. Although I have been a blessed being in our family and by the Grace of Goddess Kali I have got Her as my all in all, yet, there must not be any repudiation from my side to cling to Rama and Krishna.
Only to create that type of family cult, my father, in his death bed, gave me a Salagram Sila with all the formalities to observe the Pujah. So, I had to tune up my temperament that way also.
In our home language Sadhana means nothing but asking in a most familiar way. The connotation in the word "Sadhana" if splitted, then, it becomes "Sadh-Na" which really leads us to think in terms likewise we do always unfold our desires with the expectation of getting a thing from our very nearest and dearest persons.
So, it is never a type of begging neither it is a means to gain something out of forcible attitude. Obviously, this type of approach is very forceful having all the indications at the background being only the means to win the heart in turn.
The parents give away all to their children, the wife forgets her own self and stretches herself for the heart of her husband and vice-versa, the husband loosens his fists to see the smiling face of his wife; while a friend surrenders his treasure to get by his side a stranger as his inmost companion. All these bonds are established in our society, so, is the bond developed in the animal world. And it is absurd to think that there is somebody who is more powerful than us all and is having his designs performed at His will! Is He not the only all in all, and He, being the creator of all of us, is our sole beloved! He who has the feelings this way will have the proper virtue to infuse his call in the interior of his own heart. Once this relation is established by any man, there is no alternative for his heart within to turn a deaf ear.
The being within my heart has all along given his bid to understand the implications of these varied relations in the bond of life. All my enquiries were fulfilled with due precepts and examples.
Nevertheless, as the Lord Sree Sree Ramkrishna had ordered me, so, I did not falter in running from door to door. Careless I had been although concerning my own attitude to life, yet, carelessness never was rampant in my daily rounds. The eagerness that I had in me gradually gave me the scope for the greatest intensification of my aptitude for more grains of knowledge.
As I was gaining intimacy amongst the strangers, so, I was deriving series of lessons comprising of enough diversities within the characteristics of human beings.
No two people are having resemblances in their earthly life and activities. Indifference in the respective span of life has been absolutely a matter of contrast and criticism. Every individual is endowed with his own typical attitude. Intimacy knocks off the wall of secrecy and hence I could determine enormous characteristics of those I came across.
My Yoga Vidya (aptitude for the cult of knowing the mind) instantaneously enabled me to form an opinion for the man or the woman in my front.
With due deference the villagers used to accommodate me. With the very entrance in a house they used to wash my feet and offered me fruits and sweets. Boundless regards and countless obeisances all through their contact with me were the only outcome. In return so little was my power to help alleviate them in their dire distress. Yet, I was not ignored, neither their belief in me got slackened.
It was hardly four months after the death of my father I had to get ready for my next visit to my house at Orissa. I could feel within my heart the call of my mother which was fast getting emaciated and run down in health.
Without any further delay I made up my mind to start for my house and that I did at the quickest possible time. Reaching the house I found my premonition was really a timely warning. If I were not there on the verge of her last journey, I would have suffered the greatest blow and possibly that stroke would have shut my sense of benevolence and consciousness of affection and compassion.
Who were there than my mother who gave me a body of highest purity and a mind as lofty as the Himalayas? It was my mother who had shown me, that, pleasure in a life is not achieved even when miseries and sufferings have laid down deeply the spectres of horror within the abode of a domestic house. It was she, again, who had taught me benevolence and forbearance by her wide heart and divine spirit.
But, my days to remain by her side were numbered. Day by day she was approaching the Gateway to Death with the result that we were getting embarrassed.
She had advised me to face all obstacles even if death becomes the only reward for sticking to Truth. Falsehood leads a man to an unscrupulous atmosphere, where, day in and day out, a man rehearses on false pretensions.
I had learnt from the demonstrations which she used to exhibit to us, on all occasions, that, the state of penance is the only way to calm down the arrogance of a mind. A pure mind has its access into the region of the divine world. It is only by being patient one can gain clear perception because this is the only requisite qualification to realize the inner self .
The situation within our house was getting worse due to the fact that we would be devoid of our only prop, our mother, within shortest possible period. The condition of our ailing mother, at last, became serious, and she breathed her last keeping us immersed in an ocean of sorrow.
Days passed by in its own order. I had my destiny working according to its plan, and It dashed me out once again from our small house into the bigger space of the world.
My only younger brother had disturbed my feelings and stressed upon me his pathetic state of affairs. I had no other solution other than giving him my assurance of remaining by his side under all his stress and strain. His Children were my only cause of anxiety and the embarrassing pull from their heart had actually stood against my feeling the house and it had impeded my journey to the path of The Unknown.
A Sanyasin is a man of flesh and blood. He has to be a Truth Seeker. But, is it a fact, that, he should be void of sweet temperament and forge in him unkind attitude and blunt philosophy of life? He has to forget his own self; but, for the sake of what mode of life he has to upkeep his spirit! Should he not embrace every living creature on this earth as his own part and parcel?
Where is the way of getting peace if only Sanyasins career undermines all the relations of the worldly life and clutches the course of a typical skepticism? I had all these knotty problems after I had the yardstick of realizations of the Mother.
By sheer thinking one simply gets submerged in the pool of melancholia and grim despondence. Being a Paribrajaka (i.e. one who renounces the worldly life and runs on foot from place to place) I had no definite aim and scope for the life of any family man. I was somewhat like a stranger in any sphere. Yet, by virtue of being a Yogin or a Sanyasin I was to adopt the Cult of Prem (love), so that, wheresoever I stay I might gain love. It can never mean that my intimacy would urge on any mean footing in order to have any subsidy for my brother or even for any other nearest and dearest soul!
Self surrender to the Feet of the Lord is my only vow. I did not count upon any selfish outlook for the condition of my brothers family. As a man would console his nearest relatives, so, did I promise to do the needful in time of their actual need.
After that only I could get myself away from the pitiful state and took my journey for Calcutta.
It was from that time for months together I was not searched by my brother. Rather, I reached my house at Orissa just before the Durga Puja with a view to keeping my own word of honour which I had to commit to my father on his request.
Since then, every year, for a period of more than 28 years at a stretch, I have been following this system once a year and have stayed there every time for a period of a fortnight only.
And, it was a fact that, every year the requirement for the requisites for the Pujah in the shape of money had never fallen short of. I would accept that much only that would enable me to perform the Pujah in a befitting manner and the rest I would forsake on the tip of their nose.
Ah! the materials used to be consumed for the performance of the great task and the amount of money, being always a paltry sum I used to give those to my brother. That was all that I could do for him!
However, I have never been my own master. A kite I am in the Hands of my Goddess Mother. She kept me whirling with all the soundness in my body and purity in the core of my heart.
As a scavenger sweeps the road, so, I was engaged to sweep the yard of any domestic environment I had known or came to know through introduction.
Next Chapter: Work and Action