2/7/79
Dear Mentor,
There is so much ritual and ceremony to record, photograph and write
up it is a very tedious task. So I have decided to give it up! Not because it is not
possible to do, or give justice to, but because it is not the issue of my being here or
the reality sought. I will not deny that it creates a religious fervor, or that it is
pleasant to share in totally foreign rites, especially the consumption of prasad (fruits,
rice and sweets offered to the deities and eaten afterwards as a cleansing and blessing).
The point is that these peculiarities of worship, be they Hindu, Christian, Judaic, Sufi,
are just the outward manifestations of a social group practicing a rite of community in
hopes of procreating pleasure and banishing pain from their lives. I dont condemn
it, but it is not freedom - it is not the "Love of clarity" which I seek. My
guru is certainly an expert at this puja - he has been for many decades, but it is the
freedom of his soul, the absorption in divinity which I have come to witness in him and
hopefully share a part of. Alas, the stories I heard, the expectations that grew are
smoldering in my mind. He is still sick and the spark of madness in his eyes is grey and
dull with the suffering of his body. I will not expound on why he suffers when I believe
him to be free of these chains and gross attachments because I dont know. In fact
most of what I write - in letters and in my journal - reeks of insincerity and lies. Not
intentional, just what mind is - a slow, after the fact record of experience stuck in time
and fear and the mistaken conceptualization that "I" exist.
My new fancy is to start a yoga and meditation class when I return home
- this thought mushrooms into extraordinary proportions of plan, from what to change to
the # of students, to what forms I will present - it is insane to watch my mind loose its
awareness of my immediate present and float aimlessly through desire of money, success,
proven yogic achievement. I can't shake it - this small seed has become a towering sequoia
of mind's occupation. I have had many dreams like this one and shall have many more - just
got to watch it because they are fake projections of a mistaken and limited self we call
Ego. Hey sorry to bring you down with my own trip.
most affectionately, ... |