Premananda's letters to Nellie 11

Letter #1 (Open First)

Beloved Brahmamayee Ma,

Salutations in the name of Baba! This is your own son. I have not heard from you in so long, I felt I must write, if only to say Merry Christmas. As you know, I returned to the USA in late June. It has been miserable here with only a part-time job caring for a blind man and little money coming in. Job situations very bad now. I take solace in the remembrance that it is Baba’s will for me, not my own that shall prevail over everything. We shall see His work done. Baba is not really of Man—he is God. Baba loves each of us in such a manner, that when we see it, we weep. Hawaii shall be very beautiful indeed.

Dear Mother, my dreams now are to come to Hawaii. It has been hopeless now to try to gather the money to go and bring Baba to America. I have only $425 left now. But should someone be able to bring Baba safely to New York, I could then use whatever assets I have by then to come with him on his trip to Hawaii. This is really what I want Mother, and I should like somehow to go with him back to India and stay with him till he dies. This is the only prayer I am praying these days, Mother, and my heart aches for it.

So I am reaching out to you Mother, for I want to bring Baba to you from New York, and I can probably save enough somehow to do it. I, personally, think Baba’s trip to Hawaii is very significant, and I feel that I must be there to behold him. It is my whole life now, this dream of going with Baba to visit you and Kanta in Hawaii. It is what I live for in these dark hours. What can I do but pray that his will shall triumph through me?

See Letter #2

So I am counting on you, Sister Nellie, to write me of your own heart and say whether you think I should come to Hawaii. My only thought is to stay with Baba. I am frantic about that. He is my love dearer than any man ever loved woman. I am desperate at our separation.

It is strange that I am more comfortable writing to you now than to Athena. She seems to be scolding us boys now for misconduct in India. I am depressed about the whole thing. Let us destroy all poison. Period.

So I am told Baba may come in spring, and perhaps in late summer or fall, to Hawaii—and that is my whole life now. Wanting to be with him. It’s like being in love through and through.

About other things? There is so much. We can talk, I think, closely. As for me, I sit and imagine the smiling, laughing form of my Lord walking down the Hawaiian beach at sunset, waves lapping at the splashing shore…Love like a fire dove comes flying…My Lord is in bliss again: Head back happy is it he worshipping the end of day. The God this earth around, worships the day and night.

I see brave palms in gentle
balmy breezes blow.

Back to poetry again. (.) or Hawaiian mantra? What do you think? I can’t wait to come there. I am happy as a kid before Christmas when I think of coming with Baba.

Thank you for being there, Mother, when I need to let my feelings fly like this. I have seen the Holy One in Baba, and know his coming West heralds the end of the world structure we know, or the "world" as we know it. Please write me a letter as I could use some "Mother-Power" just now.

Much love,
Your child, Premananda