Premananda to Yogananda 4
January 22, 1974
There has been a kind of waiting period here. The week has passed by gently giving me time to try to sort out and understand the events that have happened. My last letter gave some indication of these things, but I realize it was a bit vague. Something holds my tongue from freely expressing the whole span of inner life. You remember that Master warned against telling of "visions" etc. since they are really sacred communications from God and are of the nature of a confidential conversation between Lord and Lover. Telling them only brings the ego into action and destroys the subtle meaning they may subsequently prove to have. This is why I have not written very much. It is a personal kind of journey of late which is not shareable.
The spirit of Sadhana is creeping over me, despite the fact that I am constantly feeling a kind of helplessness and a "not-knowing". By seeing that Mother has all along been holding me and responding unseen I feel at a loss as to approach Her by effort or will. The surrendering attitude of sharpened loving alertness seems best for me now since I am seeing the vanity of thinking that we by our own powers can bring Her into our realm. It is she who draws us to Her breast, and, if we are pure and sincere, absorbs us ultimately.
Truly, the ego must be destroyed somehow, or perhaps "melted" is a better word. The more we long for God the more we see that the ego, in all its subtle forms, is the only obstacle. (In ego is included all lust and desire, vanity, selfishness, separateness, etc., etc.). Impersonal consciousness (our portion of God) coupled by love, deep and true, for the unknown dimension beyond the ego boundary (souls natural attraction for itself) the ocean of God, will do the trick. But it is Gods will. All His play.
I felt this when I first saw Baba, I do not know how. It was the immediate knowledge that I would come. I thought I was doing things but destiny had written that moment long ago. Although he gave me the name Premananda within the first hour of my being with him, actually he had given it long long ago when he envisioned who would be coming to him from America. When I started out from New York half an earth away he remarked to an old man here in this family, "Premananda is coming. He has already started now."
This kind of thing has suspended me in an odd state. An increased desire for a life of Sadhana and Godward movement, and at the same time the curious realization that He holds the key anyway. How odd! So I am kind of waiting for further indications from Baba. It is very difficult because of not knowing Bengali, so I am studying it every day. He came to the house where I am staying and stayed two days. He gave me some instruction, simple and sweet. He also gave me a "test". He has the power to foretell the persons future by looking at their forehead so he told me I would marry an Indian girl since he wanted to go to America. I believed him naively and would, at that point, have done almost anything for love of Him, but not that. I just shook my head like a wounded child. He went on, pressing it most unmercifully and I just started weeping. He was pleased, though he told me not to cry or he would leave. ( Smilingly said, like a mother to her crying child, feeding me some fruits.) "To find God you must be very strong", he said. "You must be very pure."
I have started writing a diary of some of these things which you can read in March when I return. Desire for renunciation is creeping in out of sheer love of Gods goodness. Detachment growing by realizing He is the doer. Thinking of Vimala. Havent written to her, no need. More soon.