Premananda to Yogananda 3
January 17, 1974
Om Hari! How are you? Please forgive me for not writing, but since I got to Calcutta events have swept me along in such a fashion that I did not feel I could express it to anyone.
Mother Maya is very strange. Even now I dont know what to tell you. I have been feeling like a child these days and putting myself more and more into Mothers hands. The longing for God grows as he keeps extending himself to this child.
I have been taken in for the last two weeks by a family of devotees of Babe and have been surrounded by very much love and care. It seems that Baba has been expecting me for two years now and even mentioned to one devotee several days before I came " He is coming now - He has started." I guess I will not really be able to explain until I come back - if even then. When we really cry and weep unto God, as Master said, the Lord cannot help but hear our prayers. And He is so kind when he feels those tears that He speeds us along as best you can. And as Baba advised me most correctly, "Dont show those tears to anyone. That is for God, not anyone else. That is the water God drinks."
I cant recount everything, but I can say I saw Baba two times at his "ashram" and another time when he came here. He calls me Premananda, or Prem Das for short! He likes the songs very much. I got several indications through dreams and otherwise (including his own word) that he was to be the guide for this child. It was clear when I first saw him that he had been pulling me to him. I dont know whether he will give me mantra. I just dont know anything anymore. It has all been very incredible. I will tell you more later.
He has seen the divine mother some 40 years ago and celebrates the occasion this coming Jan 28-30. I will witness his feeding of 10,000 people from all over.
I went to Dakshineswar and shall go back again. I glimpsed the Kali image briefly in a mad insane rush of people and went to Thakurs room. I never experienced anything like that room. Lots of people about - I looked at the pictures et al and bowed before his bed etc. About 3-4 minutes. Then it hit me. Bhava Samadhi coming on like an explosion in my heart. The man who brought me there pulled me out before I would lose consciousness as he had been watching carefully. I could only stumble coming out and could hardly breath. It was a kind of "love-attack" of infinitely tender and sweet feelings. Of course it was Master touching me somehow and letting me know he was real and was taking me along the right path. Oh! Who can ever say how sweet He is? Is anything impossible between the Lord and His lovers? All the rest of it, Belur Math etc. was nothing compared to that wonderful room where beloved Thakur dwelt for 30 years.
God! God! God!
Weep to the Lord of the Universe. Beg Him to burn your lust and greed. What else can we do? The rest of it is vanity. Weep like a child, for a child you are. If you cant weep, beg Him to manifest in you as such tender affection as brings tears to your eyes.
Well, I dont know what to say. Baba is indescribable. If only I knew Bengali I would understand more. My destiny is to be with him now as much as possible and to do my ridiculously child-like sadhana of weeping for Mother till she comes. Much is dying here. When I realized that Baba knew I was coming long before I knew about Baba I realized how small our ideas are about our "will". I had full realization that the important things are already set, written, and we puppets only go about acting our parts with the silly notion that we are in control. If we had full faith in the Author we would have much less trouble with our lines. Mother, in response to my tears, has brought me to the feet of my guru, and all I can do is wait to see what she wants me to do, for she knows now what I really want.
Events are happening that I just cannot express fully. I dont believe you are ready to come back to India though. The time will come of its own accord, as I myself learned by waiting till Mother pulled me of Her own powerful force. I dont understand it, but I have witnessed that invisible working in this journey and I must let it soak in deeply. What does it mean, die in the Lord?
I will tell more next time. Premananda says, "Weep, oh weep my heart for precious Haris grace. Weep, oh weep, and be lost to His Great Beauty."
Love to you, Bill